lines.

Brown leather shoes shuffling along…
Each minuscule step a challenge. 
As he hunches over his walker looking at the floor-
He is white haired with a shiny bald spot facing up to the sky.

His skin is impressed with lines- some deep…some faint-
A labyrinth of pastimes- each line a culmination of memories, of stories. 
Deep inset eyes, filled with strength and dignity-
comprised of both joys and sorrows- 
Eyes overflowing with somber wisdom. 

And yet, this treasure of a man is merely forgotten.
As his loved ones have gone ahead of him…
He is a lone traveler on this Earth.
And he sees the richness of his memories–
of his people who await him on the other side.   

It is now in the final stretch of his marathon that he sees…
He sees the futility of his young plans- oh the foolishness of a young heart–
That while he sought wealth, he lay people on the altar.
That while he sought treasures on earth, he lay relationships in the fire–
precious milestones that were gone forever.  

But now, in his last days, he is quiet strength bound in a delicate porcelain vessel.
A vessel that will return to dust. A vessel full of cracks and chips. 
His power is wisdom and humility. His power is sweet confession. 
His power was righting those wrongs in sincerity long ago.

Yes, he has seen it all. He has heard it all. He is wiser than most. 
And yet, he shuffles along. But, he never shuffles alone.

====================

This week, I’ve been meditating on the futility of worldly treasure and how God tells us to store up “treasures in Heaven.” The elderly man in my short story is exactly who I’d like to be when I’m at the end of my life. Although, I’d prefer different circumstances, I’d like to embody his character in that while he is weak in body, he is strong inside. He is wise. He is real. He doesn’t try to pretend his past was perfect. He acknowledges his sins, but he doesn’t dwell on them. He is full of strength because he has a helper, who is Christ Jesus. While he doesn’t have all the wealth in the world, he found that having right relationships was more meaningful. He obviously invested spiritually into his family once he came to his senses because they were waiting for him on the other side in Heaven. So, regardless of his current physical state, through Christ, he had a hope– hope for eternal life and life more abundant. 

And so, during this season of my life when I’m experiencing a lot of different kind of losses, I keep trying to keep myself focused on what’s important– treasures that moth and rust don’t destroy– like the Lord and his work, my children and their spiritual needs, my family and friends. God is faithful. All material possessions will pass away, but the Word of the Lord stands forever. 

I pray that if you are in a time of loss, that God will bless you to stay focused on HIS work– his Spirit, his grace, his treasure. Blessings, Regina

^“19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21)

 

Read Full Post »

Wings.

Her arms are stretched wide open on the mountain…
Adorned with wings of hand-made tissue paper– thin and transparent;
tightening around delicate veins with illustrious rays pushing through.
This powerful light is muddled by the textural fibers of softened pulp, a Gaussian blur.

Paper so strong that it takes a drill to penetrate, yet so thin, so vulnerable under pressure.
A dainty exoskeleton, in all its fragility, gently spun as a web,
somehow withstanding the crushing compression of dried mush-
And yet, it’s perfect in weakness.

Meanwhile, sweet renderings of pen and ink beautify the surface,…
Each intricate drawing revealing more intimacy behind the one wearing these wings-
Telling stories– memoirs.– of joy, of sorrow, of hope, of fear…

And, though these wings are outstretched in perfect flying position,
And the conditions are idyllic– a sunny morning with a cool crisp breeze,
a valley of picturesque grandeur staring up from below in anticipation,
even cheering for that step of faith– that celebratory flight!
And yet, she stands. Frozen. As if, all life has paused for this moment.

But, regardless, she knows. She knows this act of courage is inbuilt.
She knows she was designed to be victorious. She knows He’s there guiding her, nudging her to be brave.
And so, a morsel of determination begins to push out any hint of fear-
Hope the size of a mustard seed begins to overpower.
And with time, a knowing of her ability begins to develop, and then outflow… and then triumph.
And, it is done, as she was created for such a time as this.

And as she leaps from this peak, wings lifted upon the nothingness of air,
she’s overcome by His provision… by His creation-
that while it seems impossible,
something as invisible as oxygen is the only resistance
that keeps her from plummeting to the ground.
It’s sheer strength.

And, on those delicate wings, a new drawing appears-
fashioned via her latest experience… A story of victory.

==================

The past couple of days have been hard. I realize now in retrospect that I am a controller–a planner–a fixer. I’ve always been and I often struggle with giving up my ambitions and future plans wholly to God. Right now, I’m in a place of limbo– waiting on that job that will bring me security and independence during this time when relying on others is required. God is teaching me to be thankful and to humble myself so that I can accept others’ blessings and assistance while he arranges the details of my future. But, for the past couple of days, I’ve been BENT on making things happen. And with this, I’ve dreamt up my own plans and had a picture of what my job should look like and when it should appear. And, last night, God reminded me that I am frail. I am simply human. I can make my own plans, but HIS are always better. So, I told him, I accept his guidance. I accept his leadership. I accept HIS plans. So, here I am, laying my controlling ways at the Cross once more. He is faithful. I pray, that if you are in a season of waiting, that you will just find comfort and peace knowing that God is the Provider of All Good Things (Jehovah-Jireh)! Love and blessings, Regina

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

Read Full Post »

Violin.

Feelings have their own desires– their own direction, their own judgments. Feelings are up and down as if flowing upon the deep melody of a violin- weaving through the acoustic spaces of one’s mind– of one’s heart.

Feelings are beautifully rendered musicality, intricate, yet somber, melodic, soulful, even mournful at times. And somehow surprisingly, capable of ushering in great pleasure, deep satisfaction, and unforgettable bliss.

Feelings are meek– they flow through the air gently etching their impact meticulously in sophisticated paisley designs, yet powerfully, with thundering resonance sounding off each surface– each person, filling up a space with it’s depth– it’s meat.

Inner feelings are difficult because they’re honest.They’re revealing. They’re invasive. They’re the nosy neighbor that can’t keep a secret to save their lives. Those persnickety feelings have a way of letting the cat out of the bag (this is unfortunate for prideful and stubborn people who desire to look stoic at all times!). Don’t you hate when feelings show themselves at inopportune times??! They’re simply blabmouths!

Feelings have a way of being pesky, over dramatic and impractical, but despite their irritating qualities, they’re also purposeful– even beautiful in a sense. They remind us that we are real. That we truly exist– that we’re human. And, as in beautiful music, life is most pleasing when it’s chaos is intermingled with order– push and pull- eclectic mixtures that play against one another- like both peace and tension, monotony and excitement, joy and trial, and so on. And, this is true simply because contrast reveals true beauty.

====================

Well, it’s been 2 days short of a month since that horrible day my marriage ended in a moment’s notice. It’s been such a hard month– maybe the hardest of my life yet. And, I’m still adjusting to being “unmarried.” So many things are impacted by this division in my marriage that was not my choice. So many lives impacted and touched. So many places/things/memories marred. And yet, this is my scar for the sake of Christ. My feelings are so powerful during this time that I’ve often lamented and asked God to take them. And again, he says, “My grace is enough for you.” I know that I have to feel all of these feelings and go through this time of grieving in order to move forward and eventually be whole again through Christ. God has feelings. He wept. He has joy. He has anger. We are made in his image and feelings are part of that reality. It’s just so hard. But, I know that “in all things, God works for the good of those who love him; who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). I just pray that if you are going through a time of immense emotion, that God will strengthen you and help you endure this time with his grace. May God strengthen and bless you always, Regina

Read Full Post »

Lacerated Wedlock.

A lock has been compromised that held a rare treasure–
A lock that was meant to safeguard our lives-
in this day of broken, distrusting contracts-
a covenant was dismantled and carelessly discarded… 

A covenant based on trust- unmoving, enduring-
Yes, believe, there is a sweet remnant engaging for life (even in today’s world),
living out the days of old-
renouncing the volley of lovers
in exchange for one. One and only forever. (Novel, I think not…)

An ideology that is slowly fading into the catacombs of the earth-
a different people– a different culture- a pastime forgotten?
Yet, the secrets of it’s beauty are hidden- it’s benefits tucked away-
like a banned book full of ancient secrets being sacrificed to the flames. 

One could say she enjoyed this sweet duration while it lasted-
That she was matured into the woman she’s become (with some extra wrinkles to prove it;),
and that through this exotic concept of monogamy, she was gifted two children-
But, then the lock was exposed– broken…lacerated.

And, forever was lost in an impulse…
Her consequences substantial.
Two flesh being ripped apart on a whim.
A lock that was broken, or in actuality, simply opened with the key. 

=================

I’ve been reflecting on the painful effects of ending a marriage, and I truly believe that pain is a natural consequence of divorce when the marriage was vowed before God. Who are we to separate what God has joined together? He joined us– made us one flesh. It’s like ripping a person in half. Both sides will feel the pain of that. It saddens me to think that me and my children will have to endure the pain of divorce when it is not God’s desire for us. But, freewill is freewill and so we’ll endure for the sake of the Cross and somehow give glory to Christ in the best way that we can. I pray that if you are enduring divorce or another painful experience, that you, too can lean on Christ for strength during this time. Sincerely, Regina

================

³ Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

⁴ “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’^[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’^[b]? ⁶ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:3-6).

 

Read Full Post »

The break up.

Tick tock, the moments click away…
There I am gazing desirably at accomplishment—
languishing even the fleeting thought of achievement-
just one undone task defeated, standing triumphantly like a cavalry on the hillside.
It’s shadow projecting down on the goals below.

A recurrent fantasy that plays continually throughout my adult life.
It’s like a black and white film, clicking and rolling through the scenes of what could be…

Productivity. I march along in formation, submissive to your whims.
Yes,  like a drug stimulating my serotonin levels-
The more I accomplish, the more my heart pumps-
A crutch that holds up my control addiction,
Like a Gothic buttress jutting out from antiquity- embracing and reinforcing a powerful structure

I’m bent on checking off that running list in my mind–
as with each mark, my soul says, “This is better than mocha frappachino!”
But you are insatiable, oh task at hand–
you are never done– I never truly check you off—

you, task, are a chameleon, you metamorphasize-
you start out as manageable, and then, in the snap of my fingers,
your requirements change- just one more- one more moment- one more pursuit
Oh task, when did my contract became salaried? When did I become your indentured servant?

A busy mind juxtaposed with a wandering heart-
This infinite striving for a gratification surge is tiring.
My worldly source is tapping out—it can’t keep up with my folly.
It’s temporal nature dissatisfies my eternal desires.

Amidst this rat race, my heart says to stop—
recognize that there’s more to life than this.
Yes, investments that pay big rewards—
His name is Christ. He is the First and the Last. He is all things to all people.
His name is eternal. His work impacts the now—the forever.
Ah sweet satisfaction at long last!

Their names are Curiosity, wonderment, sweetie pie–
They are little blue eyes looking longingly at me-
asking for a little time- Where have you been, Mommy?
Looking for moments of acknowledgement-
acts of affirmation and assigned value-
In need of real connection, not just going through the motions.
To stop, to look, to touch, to take part, to delight…

Our hearts melding, I’m awake again! Fully cognizant of them-
these sweet treasures inlaid with gold- glimmering, shining, dazzling–
empowered, strengthened while a knowing of oneself surges– bubbles up.
I see their confidence in Him,
attraction to what is good, life’s direction outpouring!

Yes, task, comparably, you are weak. Your rewards are empty.
but, worry not, I won’t forget you.
However, for now, I plan to indulge in sweet moments that will pass in a moment.
A season that is here and gone.
Little souls in which I was destined to be bonded.
And through Christ, all is revealed.

Yes, task, you will have to wait.
And when I return to you, you will be in your rightful place–
Not a drug. Not a crutch. Not a form of control.
but instead a leisurely hobby that I do on a Sunday afternoon.

=============================

Right now, God is reminding me to invest in what’s true to the heart of God. During times of stress, I tend to run toward tasks to complete in order to make myself feel better and more in control. While tasks are not a sin in themselves, it’s important to seek God and ask where our devotion should lie– what he would have us focus on for this season. God is the only source that never runs out, so He has been reminding me to focus on HIM first– to get fueled by HIS filling and them to overflow into the mission field he’s called me to, which is my children first:) God is so kind to gently nudge me in the right direction when my heart begins to stray. He’s faithful. He’s the real deal. I pray you are getting your fuel from the right source– Jesus Christ. He is the bread of life– He is living water– when he fills us, it does not run out. May the Lord bless you always, Regina

============================

^“10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

¹¹ “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? ¹² Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?”

¹³ Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:10-14)

Read Full Post »

A Voice.

Fumbling, groping, discerning the path…
It’s rocky, filled with holes, weeds growing up through the cracks.
At times, it’s jumbled, grown over with foliage– disintegrated concrete reduced to rubble–
I question… what kind of path is this anyway?
Mud-covered from floods, washed away, cluttered with debris.
Broken down shacks strangled with mossy vines stand there gloomily and depressed.
This path is a lame excuse for a path at all. It’s more like an obstacle course– (can we say unpleasant?).

And then through the journey, the landscape begins to diversify…
The broken down path begins to look more native– rural, vernacular.
Sweet little cottages with colorful shutters decorated with flower boxes smile as I stroll by.
A beautiful view of a rushing brook and birds singing merrily–
Friendly villag-ish type people come out on their porch to wave as I journey by (no, not in a creepy way)…
This is my kind of path– beautiful, enchanting, agreeable– um yes, more please with homemade apple pie if you don’t mind.

But, by now, the journey is getting long… arduous, tiring.
And as I grow weary, the landscape changes once again.
The sun descends into the horizon and the shadows come out to play.
And I begin to question what’s before me… Should I continue?
What direction shall I go? What turn should I take?
What? How? Where?

And confusion begins to blur my journey–
and yet again, I’m fumbling, groping and discerning the path– unsure, timid, nervous.
And then out of darkness, wisdom arises– faithfully guiding like a hand on my shoulder.
Confirming, edifying, leading.
And though the night is long, clarity shines forth– gracefully illuminating this dark path.

———————–

“¹⁹ O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voicebehind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”  (Isaiah 30:19-21)

During this time of “unknowns” it’s a struggle to know which direction is right all the time. I guess, I often think of limbo as more difficult than the initial traumatic event– the waiting, unknowing, guessing. Yet, God says to wait. Wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:4). And as the scripture above says, he will provide us with a voice behind us saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Thanks be to Jesus Christ, who is not the author of confusion (I Corinthians 14:33), but guides and leads us in the right direction (Proverbs 3:5).

Read Full Post »